Cupboard gotta-haves

This is the cleanest part of our kitchen, because there ain't usually nothing in here.

The Fry cook has been bustin' his rump making all kinds of treats, most of them instant or out of some kind of box. You know, instant scrambled eggs, oatmeal, them frozen lasagnas and what not. They spilled from our kitchen like the orange-foam-laden rivers in the summer time. There has not been a day's rest for the deep fryer, or microwave oven, or the gas grill that needs cleaning. Everything needs cleaning, including The Fry Cook.

After my self-validating book is done. Two more weeks, and then we can resume doing nothing. I'll spend some quality time on the phone, smoking cigarettes, and eating bon-bons while reading Sylvia Day novels. Damn, that girl knows her way around a man. They Fry Cook will be busy though, re-engineering Ramen into something less "Rameny" and more like casserole.

I'm sharing this because I want you to know this before I begin this post: tonight I'm going to write about what works for our lives. We all have such different sausage and potato chip tastes, different soap opera viewing schedules, and different shifts at the chicken plant, and mostly (it seems to me) different ideas of what "meatballs" really means. I don't want to tell you how to live, how to cook, and I really wouldn't know what to say anyway. Truth be told, our book doesn't really say shit either.

But I like to share what works for us.

I write all this cautiously because last week I read this piece in Readers Digest on how to stock a pantry, without having to use all of your food stamps (I save some to sell for beer money), and still make real food. I liked reading the article, even though we already do most of what they suggest. It gave me ideas. It let me see our food stamps anew. I didn't agree with everything they wrote — I like a canned beans; we buy the cheez whiz; dried mushrooms seem stupid to me when they taste so good straight from the jar - but I didn't expect to agree with everything they wrote. The piece, it seemed to me, was an attempt at a reminder. We need to eat more fancy. Here are some suggestions as to how.

I receive hate mail all the time from people who insist I'm an elitist snob for wantin' to eat fancy. I don't understand it. Why are we snobs if we want to use dijon ketchups instead of regular store brand?

I don't want to explore that tonight. That's a much more entangled discussion than I feel capable of conducting. I'm tired. I've been on the computer all day, lookin' at man porn and reading Cat Channel.

But I did want to know, from you, what are the essential ingredients in your kitchen? You know, the ones you are always buying? The ones that, if they are in the refrigerator or pantry too long, you will have a good size stench that don't go away even if you *pump* Febreze in there.

Here are ours, for the moment. (Don't quote me. A week from now this list will be spoilt.)

easy cheese. Not just for crackers, but they do make a fine "whore derve" here and there. Just spray it into a fancy pattern. Pickles and Cheddar'n Bacon Easy Cheese. One without the other doesn't make much sense. Add hot dog buns and make it a threesome.

good beer. Two words: Budweiser Select. It's like your best t-shirt.

ketchup. Ugly Fat Kid wouldn't get no unfried veggies without it. Enuff said.

tabasco. It's like ketchup's slutty little sister. My older sister is ketchup.

shoestring potatoes (in a can). Honestly, I can only think of a few days of the years we have been together that we have not eaten shoestring potatoes. The Fry Cook doesn't know how to live without them. Even if the pantry were empty, we could have shoestring potatoes...with ketchup.

fritos. add easy cheese and/or ketchup and you have a meal.

a jumbo pack of supers (tampons) - we're outta food territory here, but what's in the pantry is in the pantry. it's like vegas in there, but without all the money and lights.

pregnancy tests - one Ugly Fat Kid is enough.

smokes - duh. pall mall, cause we're classy.

sunflower seeds (BBQ flavored). When my little sister is kicked out of my parents house, she stays with us. She can't be takin' chewing tabacco to high school, so she keeps bbq sunflower seeds here.

mustard. Cheap yellow mustard, in particular, one with a bite (we add a little moonshine for flavors). The Fry Cook stirs it into sauces or dollops it onto the plate before he lays down the fried chicken. It's rarely spread on sandwiches around here. There are so many other uses.

By the way, I assumed that salt, pepper, old bay, paprika, garlic salt, Mrs Dash, and Lawry's seasoned salt were standard. I probably shouldn't assume. We have at least four different kinds of chili powder and two jars of that Cajun Injector shit in the house at all times.

What nearly made the cut: relish; lemon juice in a bottle; canned beans of all kinds; whatever fruit is on sale; microwave popcorn; mallow cups; canned tomatoes; dried pasta; sterno for emergencies (we make our own when we plan); all the other oils (corn, lard, butter, and margarine in particular).

And in the refrigerator (a separate list): bacon; sour cream; american cheese (we're patriotic), hot dogs, apple butter.

What about you? Link to a photograph of your kitchen, if you wish. I know we can all learn from each other. And I'd love to hear.

There will be plenty of time to comment, since I'm drunk. The self-validating book will be sent to the publishers at some point, and I'll be hunched in front of the computer until then. With plenty of time to stop and goose The Fry Cook and ignore Ugly Fat Kid, of course.